Heeeeeeeyyyyyy Baller Moms! Gotta minute? I’m on a health kick today. Maybe it’s because I took advantage of DC Restaurant Week and ate the fourth course of that meal last night, and I’m feeling a little guilty about that key lime cheesecake with raspberry sorbet. I mean, what was I supposed to do…it came WITH the meal. Don’t judge me. How do YOU feel? Alright, alright, alright? Well you ‘gon learn today the do’s and don’t nots of Ballermomdom – Healthy Choices Style.
Number 1: DON’T NOT let your baller eat a Big Breakfast with Hotcakes Meal with a LITER of Sweet Tea (why is that Sweet Tea cup so big?) 15 minutes BEFORE football weigh-in and then tell the kid they have to lose the “water weight” or they can’t play. Come on, you can’t get mad because somebody called in and reported a kid wrapped up in Saran Wrap from neck to ankle, wearing a trash bag sweat suit, and running up and down Central Avenue (the Maryland AND the DC side). "But Officer, I was just trying to help him lose those last 2 ounces to make weigh in." Just pay the bail and DON’T NOT do it again.
Number 2: DON’T NOT give the kids “muscle milk”. Muscle milk is for adults who have…drum roll please…MUSCLES! Milk the cow if you have to. Don’t cry; just pay the bail and DON’T NOT do it again.
Number 3: DON’T NOT give the child Now & Laters, Mike & Ikes (I heard they broke up…so sad), Tootsie Rolls, Big Tasties, and Starbursts and then threaten to pull over on the side of the road all the way home because the kid is upside down in the back seat and doing a Cirque De Soleil routine with the seatbelt. Next time, try carrots.
Ok, so there weren’t as many “do’s” as “don’t nots”, but you get the point. Hey, I’m guilty of at least 1 out of 3, but I’m trying to do better. If you know better, don’t you do better? Well gotta go and get celery and peanut butter from the grocery store. I don’t know if my 10-year old is going to like the open-up-your-mouth-here-comes-the-airplane trick…but you gotta try.
Tammy B, Ballin' Out
Baller Mom Alert!!! Next week, I’m hitting the streets to video your stories. I want a snippet from your diary to feature in my new Baller Mom Vlog. Stay tuned!